Mixed Emotions

When we really take the time to sit back and reflect on the full life He has given us, we may often have mixed emotions. After entitling this piece, I thought about past experiences in my life that have given me mixed emotions. While there were many that came to mind, three stood out as solid representations of my adventurous and, at times, warped life. Childhood Mixed Emotion - If you have been around me for at least 10 minutes you have probably heard my retelling of my "bowl cut" days. While this time was nothing less than traumatizing, I love giving a glimpse into my life as a mistaken boy. Many times I was told to get out of the girls' bathroom (usually by a mean old lady), and on one particular occasion I was targeted as my older sister's "little boyfriend". I guess the cut was fitting, since all I ever wore was Umbros and Chuck Taylors (Converse) while I played Ninja Turtles with my guy friends. I was the closest thing to a boy my Dad got, and he took full advantage of this fact. Sports, trains, boat shows, and bowl cuts...what else could a young girl want? Even now, my Dad refers to my "bowl cut" days as the best I ever looked. While this comment makes me cringe, it also evokes much laughter. Ah...mixed emotions.

College Mixed Emotion - Ozzie, ozzie, ozzie! Oy, oy, oy! While spending 5 months studying in Sydney, Australia I learned more out of the classroom than in it. I have always thought of myself as an independent, outgoing girl, but living on the other side of the world, knowing no one, tested me more than anything previously experienced. I quickly realized that what I thought was faith in Christ alone, was really faith split between Him and the many Godly people He had put in my life. I had been blessed with Godly parents, friends, and leaders all throughout my life. While I understand that this is one of the purposes of The Body of Christ, I realized in Oz that I had crossed the line with the gift He had given me. For the first time ever, I had no Christians around me, and, to my surprise, was bluntly ridiculed for being one myself. Because of the ridicule, I felt like an isolated outcast. A passage that I would constantly meditate on is 1 John 4:46. "But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit that lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world. Those people belong to this world, so they speak from the world's viewpoint, and the world listens to them. But we belong to God, and those who know God listen to us. If they do not belong to God, they do not listen to us. This is how we know if someone has the Spirit of truth or the spirit of deception." When I think back on those 5 bitter-sweet months packed full of mixed emotions, all I can do is praise Him for the brokenness, loneliness, and hope in Him alone that He gave me. I was stripped of everything I had known...well, everything but His Word. I now know what it means to thirst and cling (literally) to His Word. Every day (and yes, I do mean every day) I would feel so alone that my sole comfort would be to sit on my bed and read the truths that He has promised me. But when I think about it, shouldn't that always be the case? This is exactly what I needed to realize; that the only One that will ever be able to truly comfort and satisfy me is Him. This truth does not change and should not be forgotten given my geographical location. My faith is not to be put in and divided among His people, but in Him alone. Pseudo Adult Mixed Emotion: Okay, I'm going to keep this one short and simple, since you are probably about to fall into a coma after the previous, long-winded story. Have you ever felt like things were falling into place, and you were starting to realize, somewhat specifically, what you desire in life?...(Oh, but I'm not done) only to be figuratively side swiped and pummeled by a 18 wheeler? I'm convinced this is an experience all should have as soon as possible in life. While it is absolutely the most painful thing you may go through, what a growing experience it will prove to be if you give it to Him. I had this exact thing happen to me not too long ago (which inspired this painting), and count it as one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Yea, it was painful, and the weakness that took over my spirit was overwhelming. BUT, His power is made perfect in weakness, right? (2 Corinthians 12:8-9) What was truly overwhelming was not the pain and the weak spirit, but the peace and hope for a future that He used to, once again, comfort my soul. This is the God who created the heavens and the earth; this is the judge of universe who sets the standard of right and wrong; this is the God of Truth; this is the eternal God who remains the same; this is the God that gave his only Son to carry the burden of my every sin. And yet, I still find myself constantly surprised by his involvement in my life. What an amazing grace.

"Distressed Keys"...Distressed Adolescence

As I unfolded the tiny piece of paper that had been hidden in a carefully wrapped box, the thought was crossing my mind that my 11th birthday may be somewhat of a let down. A piece of paper? Really? Hm...maybe a homemade "You don't have to do chores for a month" coupon? Or, maybe it was some kind of sick, twisted joke devised by my older sister, who so often and lovingly referred to me as "nerd brains" (in her most southern accent, of course). Little did I know, that my most fervent prayers were about to be answered in a simple sentence of five harmonious words. Confused, I read aloud "You...may...quit...piano...lessons." Hold on. No, that couldn't be. Did I read that right? Let's try again. Maybe I should get someone else to read it for me. After all, I am only in the "blue" reading group at school. "Is this a joke?" I suspiciously asked my mum. With a look of sadness, but a sweet smile, she nodded. And then, the screaming ensued. And for some odd reason, the object that I had grown to despise, now became the outlet for my celebration. Pounding of the keys (literally, I had only four years of lessons...most of which did not stick) was the only obvious reaction. To this day, I remember that present to be one of the best ever given to me. In the months and years to follow, my Mum got quite a kick out of her routine, yet unexpected, side trips to the place that I had taken lessons. I would be in the midst of belting out a song, or maybe the middle of a profound statement about my middle school life, oblivious to the turns we were taking to lead to that dreaded place. It only took one look...one realization... the sweat started pouring. I love that my mom helped me practice how to handle panic attacks. If one ever naturally happens, I'll be prepared. "What are you doing?" I would somehow manage to utter. "Oh, did I forget to tell you?" she would ask, trying her best not to laugh. "I signed you back up for piano lessons". I fell for this every...single ....time. I think she finally stopped sometime during my sophomore year. So, all of this to say...I really have no idea why I decided to create a painting that showcases the object which brought me so much pain, misery, and physical stress (hence the title "Distressed Keys"). Yes, now that I am an adult, I kick myself often for being so stupid as a kid and giving up on something I so much desire now. To be able to sit down and run my fingers across those keys, creating a beautiful noise, would be such a cherished blessing. I guess that will just have to be next on the artistic "to do" list!

Abstract Flowers

"Abstract Flowers" is, by far, my favorite piece that I have created. I love the distressed feel, the collision of colors, and the contrast of shapes. In actuality, this piece was only my second try at painting. It's funny how God may bless us with talents that go undiscovered until we take the plunge and dive into the unknown. I laugh at myself most of the time while painting. The process usually involves going one direction, covering the canvas with craziness, not liking the craziness, painting over the craziness with white paint, and starting all over, headed in the opposite direction...to achieve, in my opinion, a much better craziness. I know I have so much to learn with this new love, so I'm just going to try to focus on the joy it brings right now. While my paintings rarely have a pronounced spiritual message or significance, my prayer is that He receives the glory from every brush stroke and outcome. I'd like to think he'd hang one ...maybe on his big fat heaven refrigerator.